The power of Self-Discipline and why you should have it

Have you ever said Yes to something you ever wanted to say No to?

We believe that we always have to say yes to opportunities that come our way. We fear that saying no will lead us to miss out on new experiences, money and fun. However, saying yes is not always a good use of your time.

When you ask someone how they are 95% of the time they will answer with some version of “busy” whether it’s “It’s so hectic right now” or “I’ve been crazy busy” being busy has subsequently become a badge of honour. It implies we are important and in demand, but if you really are too busy all the time then you’re most likely not saying No enough.

We say yes in our personal lives all the time. When a friend asks us to go out while we still have other things to do, we say yes. When a family member asks for a favour that will cause obstruction to our day, we say yes.

Many of us struggle to say no because of the fear of rejection or the uncertainty of what the other person may think or say.

You would rather upset yourself than deal with the repercussions of saying No.

Did that sentence hit a nerve? If it did keep reading.

We can get so used to saying yes and pleasing others that we don’t even know what we want. If your life is tightly packed with other people’s requests that you don’t have the time for, it’s time to make a change.

Embrace the power of “No” so you can truly live out your full potential. Here is a list of things to say “No” to so that you can live a happier life!

1. People picking your brain constantly

I’m definitely pro-community and collaboration but when you make yourself too available, people are more likely to take advantage of you. Of course, you should help people and not be overly competitive, but this should be done in moderation.

Think about all the times you weren’t able to get on with any of your tasks because you kept helping other people with theirs. Make a conscious decision to make yourself a priority.

To help people out without having to sacrifice a lot of your time is to refer other people of value to the people who like to pick your brain over specific topics.

You can also see this as a business opportunity by getting paid for your knowledge. Whether it’s setting up a membership program or offering 1-1 services.

2. Getting upset over things you cannot control

There are things in life that are inevitably out of your control. It is your choice to dwell in the fact that you cannot control what is happening – whether it’s about the government, the economy, or even the weather. You have the power to control your state. If you’re upset, you have to power to take yourself out of that state even if you don’t feel like it.

This isn’t about giving up or faking it till you make it, it’s about knowing you’re going to get through whatever comes your way.

Giving in to worry or the illusion that you can control the outcome can only result in stress and is a waste of your valuable time.

Say “No” to the belief that you can be in complete control of everything in your life. Say “No” to the undue stress that comes from trying to change outcomes that are not up to you. You’ll definitely save yourself a lot of anguish.

3. Doing things that don’t get you to where you want to be

Before accepting opportunities that come your way ask yourself “is this going to put me a step further in becoming who I want to become?”

There are a lot of mentoring opportunities, career developments, collaboration opportunities and many more potential lists of activities and events to get involved with in your life.

Nonetheless, just because something may seem like a good idea to do it doesn’t mean that it is the right fit for your vision.

Avoid actions and events that are not aligned with your vision of yourself. Remember to leverage your time because you can’t make anymore. So, use it wisely!

Having trouble with your vision? Check out the FREE How To Live With Purpose mini-course

4. Allowing yourself to procrastinate

Procrastination is one of the hardest things to say “No” to. It’s easy to get caught up in the planning of something rather than the execution. Without execution, your idea will remain as an idea.

No amount of wishing, manifestation or praying is going to make your dreams fall in your lap.

Procrastination is the root of unachieved dreams. The sense that there’s enough time to get things done can be deceptive, it can be the difference between celebrated success and failed goals.

Procrastination is not only delaying tasks but by doing things that are not a priority on your list and not using your time productively by spending your energy and efforts on tasks that are neither making you progress on your goals or making you happy.

Strictly say “No” to distractions and time killers.

5. Negative self-talk

Negative self-talk has many forms and can affect us in some pretty damaging ways. It can sound grounded (“I don’t think I’ll be good at this so I should avoid doing it to protect my own safety”) or it can sound terrible (“No matter what I do, it’s never right”).

Negative self-talk is any inner dialogue you have with yourself that may be limiting your ability to believe in yourself and your abilities. Not only can negative self-talk distort how you see yourself, but it can also stunt your personal growth.

Ways on minimising self-talk:

👉 Stop the thoughts in its tracks

Be mindful when you’re thinking negative thoughts. Imagine a stop sign in your mind or verbally say “stop” to yourself and change your thought pattern to a positive one.

👉 Cross-examine what you’re saying to yourself

When you catch yourself talking negative, ask yourself “how true is this?”. The majority of negative self-talk is an exaggeration and calling yourself out on it can help take away the damaging influence.

👉 Stop expecting perfection

Nobody is perfect, so expecting perfection when you’re just starting out on a new project or thinking that you’re exempt from failure is only going to set you up for a definite fall. Flaws and failure are a part of life and once you move forward in spite of them you will become happier and more self-confident.

6. Burning yourself out

You’re no use to yourself or anybody else when you’re completely shattered. Being burnt out results in low productivity levels, poor work quality and crankiness. It just becomes one bad thing after another if you continue to ignore your mind and body when it screams for rest. There’s no benefit to working that much.

You usually end up getting burnt out by saying yes to extra work that you really don’t have time for. You should see breaks as a necessity not expendable time to do extra work.

Figure out how much you can say yes to on a daily and monthly basis and figure out how much time to set aside for breaks. (E.g. will you take a 15-minute break every 60 minutes or 90 minutes?) Say No without hesitation to any work that will interfere with your allotted break time.

In summary

Saying “Yes” as well as saying “No” to the right things is a skill that everyone has to master. Give yourself permission to say “No” without having to explain yourself.

You won’t be able to relive this life again so make the most of the time you’ve got now and spend it doing the things you love as well as helping others.

Well, this was my list of things to say “No” to for your to live a happier life. 🤗

I hope these ideas will inspire you to create your own list and start implementing it straight away.

What do you want to say “No” to for a happier and simpler life this year?

Pin this post for a reminder 📌 👇

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Getting picked last for a dodgeball team, being told “I think we should just be friends” or “you’re not a right fit for the job role” are all forms of rejection that can hurt like hell.

Rejection can feel like a pool filled with different emotions such as; anger, shame, sadness and grief. Sometimes people don’t even understand why they have been rejected in the first place. This can lead to a downward spiral of negative emotions.

Nobody is immune to rejection. When you put yourself out there you face the possibility that you may not make the cut.

Scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection and they discovered that it activated the same areas of the brain as physical pain. This is why even small rejections can feel bigger than they are because it feels like actual physical pain. Damn.

Not only is rejection disappointing but it can make you feel like something is wrong with you. If you get rejected enough times it can heavily affect your self-esteem, making you doubt yourself and your place in this world.

Rejection knows no boundaries. It can invade your romantic, social and job situations alike. Not only can it make you feel inadequate, it also communicates the sense to somebody that they’re not loved or wanted or not in some way valued. Which is obviously not the case.

Guy Winch, Ph.D., psychologist and author notes that many times the rejection does 50% of the damage and we do the other 50% of the damage. “We start with this high volume of negative self-talk and criticism that takes the rejection to another level” he says. 

If you deal with rejection the wrong way such as ignoring your emotions, lashing out at people and vowing to never leave your comfort zone again can only negatively impact your personal and professional relationships. Fortunately enough, there are ways you can deal with rejection that will make you come out stronger.

Dealing with rejection is a skill that can only be developed over time. The more you try, fail and dust yourself off to get back up again the more you’ll be able to cope with the word “No”.

Different types of rejection

Social rejection – This type of rejection can occur at any age and usually begins in childhood. Social rejection can include bullying and alienation in school or in the workplace. Those who challenge the status quo of society are more prone to social rejection.

“Humans have a fundamental need to belong. Just as we have needs for food and water, we also have needs for positive and lasting relationships”. Says C. Nathan DeWall, PhD.

Rejection in a relationship – People may experience rejection while dating or in a relationship, it can come in the form of withholding affection or intimacy. When an individual decides to end the relationship this can cause the other person to feel rejected. The suffering that comes with this type of rejection is arguably harder than the other types. It can leave you speechless and feel physically sick. The intensity of the reaction to the rejection will gradually fade. You’ll have your good days and your bad days but little by little you will start to enjoy life again. I promise.

Familial rejection – Rejection from one’s family (typically parental rejection) is likely to affect an individual throughout life. We are often taught that our family’s love is unconditional, so when a family member rejects another member it can be excruciatingly painful.

At the end of the day, you didn’t ask to come into this world, so feeling rejected by one or both of the people who brought you in it can make you feel out of place.

Familial rejection can look like:

-Parents who avoid spending quality time with their children
-Failing to show interest in their children
-Limiting privileges without a reason
-Parents who refuse to follow through on the promises they made

Romantic rejection- Romantic rejection can occur when a person asks for a date and is denied. It takes courage to reach out and approach someone with who you wish to begin a new relationship. When met with rejection it brings up not only frustration but also shame.

Life’s too short to not shoot your shot. If they’re not interested, move on. There’s someone out there for you.

 Here are some tips for coping with rejection:

Acknowledge your emotions
“If you don’t know what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you” – Unknown

Emotions are complex. Often if we experience rejection we naturally want to create some armour to protect ourselves to prevent more emotional pain. Wearing layers of body armour prevents connection with others and does not contribute to developing security. It creates a false sense of safety in a controlled environment which is not realistic.

Rather than deny, suppress or ignore your emotions, you need to acknowledge them. Having the confidence to deal with uncomfortable situations head-on is essential to coping with discomfort in a healthy way.

Passing off your pain as “no big deal” will only prolong it and make you more fearful of rejection. The key is to be able to face your pain.

See rejection as personal growth
Getting rejected is proof of your effort. It’s a sign that you’re willing to try new things even if they don’t plan out how you want them to. It’s a sign that you’re aiming to live your life to the fullest knowing that there is a chance you can get knocked down to the ground.

If you have never been rejected you are living life way in the comfort zone my friend. How will you know that you’re pushing limits if you don’t get a few knockbacks here and there?

Working hard day in day out doesn’t exempt you from failure. You’re not always going to be rewarded for your hard work. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s true.

Start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and watch how your life unfolds.

Focus on something beyond yourself
In the immediate aftermath of rejection all you want to do is focus on what happened and what you may have done wrong in order to be rejected. “but I just don’t get it, how could this happen to me” train of thoughts will leave you internally suffering for no reason. Sometimes it’s best to just focus on something beyond yourself to help get your mind out of that rut.

Ask a family member or a friend if there’s anything that you can help them with, volunteer at a food shelter, plant flowers in the community garden. There are a number of ways you can ease the process of rejection by getting up and focusing on the good things you can do in your life.

This doesn’t mean you should mask your pain and pretend it never happened. It’s acknowledging that you can’t change the past and dwelling on it is only going to make you suffer. Focus on something positive and get that spring back in your step again.

Look after the basics
The feeling of rejection can have both physiological and physical effects. So, it’s best to remember to look after number 1. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat well and go and get some exercise.

Trying to move forward when you’re still in emotional turmoil will never end well. Take some time to process your thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away.

Keeping it in can affect you mentally and physically. It’s your responsibility to deal with your feelings, just make sure not to push yourself before you’re truly ready to let go.

Go at your own speed, don’t listen to people who say, “Omg you’re not over that yet!?” They don’t know what’s going on in your heart and your head. Only YOU truly know who you are. Don’t abide by other people’s timelines. Move when you are wholeheartedly ready to move. Don’t rush the process.

Practice a simple self-affirmation exercise
1. List five qualities or attributes that you have and that you really believe are valuable.
2. Pick one of those five things and write a brief passage about one of them (about 1-2 paragraphs will be okay). Elaborate on why it’s an important and valuable quality.

This simple exercise will remind you of your self-worth and make you feel infinitely better about yourself and become more resilient to rejection that comes thereafter.

We all have a fundamental need to belong. When we get rejected we feel a disconnection which adds to our emotional pain. Finding our way back to those who love us or reaching out to members of groups who value and respect us has been found to soothe emotional pain after rejection.

You are not alone in your pain. Feel your feelings, accept your feelings then seek help if needed.

How do you deal with rejection?

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Your sense of self-esteem impacts EVERY area of your life. Your relationship with your family, your significant other, your career, your physical and mental health are all reflections of your self-esteem.

Even though having high self-esteem is indeed a good thing it’s only good in moderation. Having very high self-esteem – like that of a narcissist- isn’t something to aim for.

Even though people with very high self-esteem feel great about themselves they tend to be extremely vulnerable to criticism and negative feedback about themselves and their work.

When you take everything personally and avoid constructive criticism like the plague, you stunt your growth. You’re never going to stop making mistakes, so choosing to ignore the help of someone showing you the right way will affect you negatively in both your personal and professional life.

The only way to learn is to accept guidance and feedback. You’ll be doing yourself a great disservice if you believe you know it all and no one can do it better than you because the reality is… there’s someone else out there that is.

Why is building self-esteem so important?

The more self-esteem you have the more “inner stability” you have. When your opinion of yourself goes up you stop trying to seek validation and attention from others.

Your level of self-esteem influences the choices and decisions that you make. In other words, self-esteem serves as a motivational function by making it more or less likely that you will take care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.

When you have low self-esteem you may hide away from going to social events, avoid things you find challenging and be hesitant to try anything new. In the short term, avoiding anything that takes you out of your comfort zone will make you feel safe at the time but in the long term it will eventually backfire. This is because you’re reinforcing underlying doubts and fears. You’re essentially teaching yourself that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.

Here are a few ways to help build your self-esteem so that you can thrive and live a life that reflects who you truly want to be. 

You deserve it girl! 

Change your story

We all have a narrative or a story that we have created about ourselves that shapes our self-perceptions which our core self-image is based on. Your level of self-esteem may have grown or been reduced by how people have treated you in your past. The good news is that you have control when it comes to increasing your self-worth. If you want to change your story you have to understand where it came from.

For example, was it a teacher who made you made you doubt your academic abilities? Changing your belief on not being good enough is pretty hard. When you decide to change the story about yourself you look into your past to see if there is evidence of the new story you want to create.

Continuing with the example above, if you have successfully completed school with excellent grades and moved onto higher education, this alone shows you that you have accomplished a lot despite what was said about you in the past, you then start to realise that you’re carrying a false narrative of yourself around.

“Sometimes automatic negative thoughts such as “you’re lazy” or “you don’t do anything right” can be repeated in your mind so often that you start to believe that it is true” says Jessica Koblenz, Psy.D. “These thoughts are learned which means that can be unlearned.”

When you label yourself as “not that person” that can achieve XYZ, you limit yourself on what you’re capable of achieving. Letting go of life-changing opportunities because you doubt that you have the capabilities to do well is only going to keep you in your box of safety wondering what life is like on the other side of living your true potential.

You’ve got one life, go get everything you deserve.

Identify your triggers

To increase your level of positive thinking, you need to recognise what places, people and things spark negative thinking. Is it that bad vibe “friend” that’s always got something to say about something or that annoying co-worker who’s always telling you what to do even though it isn’t their job? You can’t change certain situations, but you can change the way you react to them.

The next time you get mad, anxious or sad write down what caused it. After a time, you will start to see a pattern of what your triggers are and what you’re able to do about them.

When we know our emotional triggers, we can choose not to expose ourselves to situations that affect us negatively and harm our mental health.

We are not in control of what other people do, we can only control our thoughts and actions. Next time you’re sitting in a situation that you don’t want to be in, sit back and ask yourself:

Why am I here right now?

Is me being in this situation going to impact me negatively or positively?

The answers to the questions should tell you what your next action should be.

Acknowledge your success

Usually, people with low self-esteem disregard their success by chance. People with high self-esteem take the time to celebrate their success. They appreciate the praise given by others and thank them for their acknowledgment instead of downplaying it.

Your success was not by chance, it was thorough hard work, dedication and persistence. You deserve to re receive every reward, recognition and praise that comes your way.

When you acknowledge what you’re good at, you become more confident about yourself, making you more likely to continue doing what brings you joy.

Whether you acknowledge your success by going out to dinner with friends, having a spa day, or buying something that’s been sitting in your online basket for days, take that time to enjoy how far you’ve come.

Recognising your success is a powerful motivator that reinforces the meaning behind all the hard work that you have done. This in turn boosts your self-esteem and motivates you to take the next step towards achieving the next goal.

Recognise that you are not your circumstances

Learn to differentiate your circumstances and who you are as a person. We are all born with infinite potential. To believe we are anything less than that is a false belief that is learned over time.

It’s not uncommon to think that what has happened to you reflects who you are. Didn’t get the job offer you wanted, now you’re not good enough. Messed up your diet, and now you’re someone who has no self-discipline.

FALSE

Taking a situation and associating it with who you are can only lead to your downfall. Controlling what happens to you is not easy, life gets in the way and can throw you off course. No matter what your circumstances may be, you have to learn to start separating who you are and what you think about yourself from what happens to you.

Someone who is devoted to going to the gym and keeping fit can still miss a day and eat snacks. Someone who is good at their job can still get fired.

Everyone wins some and loses some. Do not become your loses.

Celebrate the small stuff

You got up on time this morning. Tick. You flipped your omelette perfectly. Tick. Your downward dog was better than last week. Tick.

We’ve been conditioned to only celebrate the big milestones and achievements and not acknowledge the “trivial wins” as they’re deemed as non-significant. This is far from the truth.

You’re really celebrating your habits. You’re celebrating the person you’re becoming by continuing your good habits. When you show appreciation for your small victories you show appreciation to yourself.

Celebrating your small wins is a great way to build confidence and feel better about yourself while at the same time keep you motivated to carry on. Every success you earn is a success to your overall dream. You wouldn’t have got to where you are now without all those small wins, so acknowledge them and celebrate them.

Let me leave you with one last valuable tip…

One way for people with low self-esteem to start to appreciate what it would be like to have higher self-esteem is to consider how they feel about the external things they value in life. E.g. Some people really love buying, collecting and using make-up because it’s important to them.

They take pride in their collection and school people on the texture and application of different products. They watch countless makeup videos to help perfect their look and try new ideas because that’s their idea of heaven. Self-esteem is like that, except that love and proudness you feel is targeted at yourself.

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